Skip to main content

tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  March 29, 2013 1:30am-2:00am PDT

1:30 am
reflection of the world in which it existed. housing was segregated, cafeterias were segregated. >> jon: even in a manufactured town with an integrated army? >> yes. because of ernest will kens working for the project in chicago. at one point they had documentation they wanted him to transfer down to oak ridge. they said we would love to have him transferred but unfortunately he wouldn't want to go there. >> jon: great story. can you stick around? >> absolutely. >> jon: when we come back we'll find out when the women found out they were working on the atomic bomb. pretty cool. "girls of atomic city" it's on bookshelves right
1:31 am
1:32 am
1:33 am
captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh
1:34 am
>> jon: that's our show. join us next week at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> the word homophone wasn't in the dictionary. why is it that people have to be insulted if they see something in the moral degeneration of our country tha captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [eagle caw] [cheers and applause]
1:35 am
>> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [crowd chanting stephen? ] [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] welcome. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. please, folks, sit down. we have to get to it. ladies and gentlemen, i understand -- i understand your energy. i share your concern, and i join you in your righteous indignation because folks we're at a cross roads as a nation. a moment of crisis that ken burns will one day document with black and white foat yeens mournful fiddle music. [laughter] for the last two days the supreme court has heard
1:36 am
arguments over whether the constitution mandates that we all get gay married. [cheers and applause] i don't have anything to wear. [ laughter ] of course, the pro-gay marriage crowd rallied on the supreme court steps and i personally want to salute this guy for wearing the hot pink devil horn drag. that is how you win the hearts and the minds of average americans. after all it's exactly what martin luther king wore at the march on washington. i cannot believe he made it to the mountaintop in those heels. we all know that this is what gay rights is leading to. [ laughter ] but the marriage destroyers keep trotting homosexuals like the plaintiff in the doma case
1:37 am
adorable 83-year-old lesbian widow who made the case why her relationship should be called marriage. >> it's a magic word for anybody who doesn't understand why we want it and why we need it. okay, it's magic. >> stephen: they are tugging at your heartstrings or as lesbians call it scissoring. sick stuff. la laugh on the pro-gay side you got your kagan, breyer, wise latina and ginsburg who acted all surprise that the defense of marriage act makes the federal government treat gay couples differently from straight couples. >> you are saying there's two kinds of marriages the full marriage and skim milk marriage. >> stephen: yes, skim milk marriage. i have always suspected that skim milk was gay.
1:38 am
for god sake it has homogenized on it. for pete's sake sean penn won an oscar for it. don't call me a bigot because i'm lactose intolerant. 2% that is straight missionary. half and half, come on. [ laughter ] and yogurt, i think we all know what that fruit is doing on the bottom. [ laughter ] plus, ladies and gentlemen, giving homosexual marriages federal recognition means giving them benefits meant for straight couples. >> think social security benefits, federal estate and income taxes as well as medical and family leave. same-sex couples who are legally
1:39 am
married do not get them simply because they are gay. >> stephen: not simply because they are gay. because they are gay and we want to punish them for it. and those 1100 rights are what makes traditional marriage special, things like joint tax filing. sponsoring a spouse's visa, lowering mining claim maintenance fees and most sacred of all the right of a widow to inherent guano islands which are unoccupied islands covered in feces from bats, beavers and seals. [laughter] [cheers and applause] are you telling me that we're going to give that to gay people now? that's what marriage is about. it was in my vows do you, stephen, take this woman for better and for worse in sickness and in health unless death do you part and leave her a turd
1:40 am
covered rock in the seas. i said, i do do. if a gay person wants to inhert his partner's guano island i say they are (bleep) out of luck. thank god, folks, opposing the liberals are the conservative fab four, roberts, the cute one, alito, the smart one, scalia, the lumpy one and thomas the scalia one. [ laughter ] these stalwarts are joined by the lawyer defending traditional marriage charles cooper who come up with one humdinger of an argument. >> the concern is that redefining marriage as a genderless institution will sever its abiding connection to its historic traditional procreated purposes. >> stephen: thank you. marriage is for procreation only. if you lose that requirement it
1:41 am
will confuse the issue and straight couples will forget why they are having sex. the sperm gets half way to the age and say i don't feel a connection for marriage's purposes. back to the pee hole. [cheers and applause] sadly -- [cheers and applause] [laughter] sadly, these days most people know a gay or two which clouds our ability to objectively see them as a frothing pile of sex crazed deviants. even chief justice roberts has a gay connection. >> expected in the audience jean padraski of san francisco and her partner shsms a lesbian cousin of chief justice john roberts. she said i feel confident that society is become more accepting of humanity of same-sex couples
1:42 am
and the sim truth we deserve dignity, respect and equality under the law. >> stephen: that is going be one awkward thanksgiving. may i have mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes are are those two things too similar to share a plate and ruin your thanksgiving values. even though they taste great together and are perfect for each other. if anyone needs me, i'll be in the car. it's four four which means the entire future of marriage in this country rests with justice anthony kennedy the man who declared in citizens united that corporations are people with constitutional rights. i pray he doesn't do something rash like declaring homosexuals people with constitutional rights. [cheers and applause] folks, the decision will not be handed down for months so
1:43 am
there's no way to know what the court will decide. here to tell me what the court will decide is slate senior editor and research fellow emily bazelon. all right. let's get into this. okay, the prop 8 decision, that's the california law that says no gay marriage, that was struck down by a lower court. what is going to happen there? >> a few different things could happen. the supreme court could uphold proposition 8, no gay marriage in california. the supreme court for a couple different reasons will dismiss the case, decide the wrong parties were there. >> stephen: they already said we'll heart case. >> but they could still change their mind. if that happened the lower court ruling would stand there and would be gay marriage in california. >> stephen: if they say we're not going to hear it it's de facto go gaiety up. technically, legal technically.
1:44 am
>> technically. >> stephen: there's another gay marriage case unnaturally joined at the prop 8. it's called domea. defense of marriage act. what does that say? >> the part of it contested defines marriage as the union of a man and a woman for purposing of giving out federal benefits. >> stephen: what is going to happen there? >> the lower court struck down that part of the defense of marriage act in states that recognized gay marriage as legal they said the federal government had to follow the state's definition of marriage because traditionally we give states more say over marriage laws. >> stephen: does it look like it's going to get struck down or upheld? >> it looks like doma is going down. >> stephen: if it looks like doma is going down and probably they'll punt on prop 8 that means marriage would be legal in california. >> gay marriage.
1:45 am
>> stephen: gay marriage, sorry which is all marriage now i think. have you found your gay partner yet because we'll be forced to do it. >> i'll look. >> stephen: get a good one. i'm going with ryan gosling. [cheers and applause] if gay marriage stays legal in california that's a fifth of united states population right there. >>s if a lot of people. >> stephen: those people, the gay people can get get married and move to other states, right? >> they would still be married although the other states would be able to decide for themselves whether to recognize. >> stephen: but the federal government would recognize them as being married because they got married in california. >> not necessarily because the challenge to doma applies to the states that recognize gay marriage as legal. >> stephen: if i get gay married in california and the federal government said yes, you are married and we recognize. that here is your tax, whatever. then i move to georgia, the
1:46 am
federal government says you can't file together on a federal level? >> that's right. >> stephen: i'm not a fan and i think that's (bleep). >> well -- >> stephen: that means, and we'll get back to you talking, too, but so literally i would -- if i were gay i would get stripped of my gay marriage rights federally if i walked across the border. >> if you moved you would lose the federal benefits. the scenario you just drew out is crazy. we would have a patchwork of marriage laws thbd would be the next challenge. >> stephen: let me pose the question to scheea. when did gay marriage become a constitutional right? when did we start accepting that? give me the date. >> it's recently but i don't think you can put an exact date
1:47 am
on it. >> stephen: you can. it was september 19, 2005 the premiere of how i met your mother. [cheers and applause] because neil patrick harris plays a super straight horn dog and we buy it. will you stick around for a second more and we'll go to commercial, come back and figure it out. we'll be right back with more from emily
1:48 am
1:49 am
1:50 am
[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. i'm back with emily bazelon talking about supreme court's upcoming decision on gay marriage. why does this fall to anthony kennedy again? he gets to make every decision. these days like if you go to a grocery store and they say paper or plastic, you have to ask anthony kennedy. >> he is an incredibly powerful man. the supreme court reflects the different presidents who appoint the justices.
1:51 am
we're a divided country. the court is divided and kennedy is the focal point right now. >> stephen: who had the stronger argument there? >> i was amazed at how weak the arguments against gay marriage were. >> stephen: no, they are incredibly strong. you have to make babies. >> the problem with that argument. >> stephen: you know how babies are made, right? >> i know how they are made but we have never said procreation is the fundamental purpose of marriage. >> stephen: we have. i don't know about we. >> think of all the people that leaves out. >> stephen: they didn't have to before. >> that's why bringing it up now is suspect. because they are bringing up now to keep out a particular group of people. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> that's a form of discrimination and the government is not supposed to make laws just to exclude people for no good reason. does the government have a good reason or no good reason.
1:52 am
i did not hear any good reasons. >> stephen: well there's also the -- you know what i'm talking about. legally it's sort of like ick, you know? >> do you think that's a reason we should treat people differently under the law? >> stephen: as long as no one is sticking their tongue out at me. >> one important rule is to prevent groups who people are suspicious of and discriminate against and gay people have been disenfranchised. >> stephen: why not two types of marriages. gay marriage is like riding coach and straight marriage in first class. but if we all have one marriage it's like riding southwest and nobody wants that. [ laughter ] >> i don't think that's true. i think everyone will be in first class. i don't see why allowing gay people to get married brings you down to coach class. why would that be?
1:53 am
>> stephen: because the specialness of my relationship is that other people can't have it. >> that's why you got married? >> stephen: obviously it's a big gay taunt. obviously the dowry was a big part, too. thank you for joining america emilyon,elon,
1:54 am
1:55 am
1:56 am
1:57 am
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is on a nationwide crew side against sugar. next a brutal crackdown on spice and everything nice. please welcome dr. robert lustig. [cheers and applause] hey, thank you so much for coming on. >> my pleasure. >> stephen: let's get your cv out here quick. you are a pediatric endocrinologist who has spent the past 15 years treating childhood obeseits. you have a book called fat chance, beating the odds against sugar, processed food, obesity and disease. what is your beef with sugar? >> if sugar were just empty calories, then the food industry, the institute of medicine, the national institutes of health, the surgeon general and everybody
1:58 am
else would be right to. be part of a balanced diet you get discretionary sugar, no problem. >> stephen: it is. >> a calorie is not a calorie. that's what they would have you believe. >> stephen: those are experts. smart guys with letters after their names just like you do. why are you right and everybody else is wrong? we'll take one example. alcohol. >> stephen: all the time. [ laughter ] >> all right. and i do, too but in low dose. >> stephen: sure, absolutely slow drip. >> absolutely. infuse it just enough so that -- >> stephen: gets you there, baby. that little click. >> alcohol are not empty calories. they are toxic calories. why? fries your liver. so does sugar. we've done two liver transplants an 15-year-old soda drinkers at ucsf. >> stephen: you call sugar a poison. >> in high dose.
1:59 am
>> stephen: why not a more alarming term like sugar is hitler. these two kids are outliers it's tragic. they are outliers. >> no they are not. 32% of america has nonalcoholic fatty liver disease. >> stephen: if we have that it means we're even more elite as people. we're try turning ourselves into foie gras. >> exactly. >> stephen: what is good for the goose is good for the gander. >> the way you make foie gras is by feeding the animal carbohydrates, specifically sugar. >> stephen: if i don't eat the sugar i will never die. >> you might live longer and that's what the data shows. we're awash in the stuff. the american heart association says we currently consume 22 teaspoons of sugar per day, average for america. we are supposed to reduce that